Thursday, August 5, 2010

The First 13 Lines

What I'm reading right now: Juliet, Naked by Nick Hornby 


If you came here via Facebook, thank you. If you otherwise found your way here, thank you. Please take a couple of minutes and read the following thirteen lines, then leave a comment. I'm grateful for any feedback you leave, but mostly I want to know if after reading these 13 lines, do you want to read more? Don't be shy, tell it to me like it is.


Rayne felt cold, despite the bed’s warmth. Next to him, Aebigal shifted her body, again. Great with child, she struggled to find a position wherein she could sleep. He hadn’t wanted to stop, not even for one night, certain the duke’s men would converge on them at every bend in the road. Weariness besieged them, more so his pregnant wife. He’d known Aebigal needed rest, although she would never have said so.

Their main encampment lay two days out. He’d taken a great risk returning to their abandoned homestead, but other than the cold stone of the catacombs, there was nothing else nearby. One night, then they would push through until they rejoined the rebellion.

He stared at the crossbeams. With an absence of regular upkeep, sections of the roof showed signs of thinning. Even now, the wind desired to penetrate and invade their sanctuary. He longed for a time when his greatest concern was patching the roof. With the stores full of blessed wheat and the bellies of his people satiated with enchanted bread, Duke Kiergaard’s allegiance spell no longer enslaved the people.
Again, my sincere thanks.


Chris Adzima said...

I liked it and would keep reading. The only issue I had, and this is probobly just me not really something you need to even concider changing, is that I am not much of a fan of Personification being used so much. Weariness besieged, and the wind desired, just used a little close together for me.

Tyson said...

I second what Chris said about personification. Also, the prose seems a little archaic, though I'm guessing that's intentional. Phrases like "great with child, wherein she could sleep, with an absence of regular upkeep" seem a little awkward to me. Overall the prose comes across as a little overworked, as if you've written and rewritten it many times. It's lacking that flow that would pull me in.

Plot-wise, I can see we're coming into the story in the middle of a pursuit. I'm a little confused about how he would wind up back where he presumably started, his home. So I'm immediately suspicious of a gimmick which needed him to be home for a certain plot point coming up. I don't buy that he would have returned home if he was being pursued by someone who knew where he lived.

That said, I would keep reading if it were a short story. If it were a novel, I may read another page or two to see if it grabs me.

The Damsel In Dis Dress said...

Hey, good job. I like this version. One thought occurs: The bit about being two days out from the main encampment seems smoother to me than the previous, but it adds to the feeling that this is only part of an epic story rather than a short story. If he's the peasant king, maybe he prefers to live there and that's that. Just a thought.

Anonymous said...

Nice fill someone in on and this mail helped me alot in my college assignement. Thanks you for your information.

Get Follow Me Buttons